Why I Feel like a Side Nigga

First, lets define what the term “side nigga” means. It’s the equivalent to a mistress, more or less. You only call this person for sex because its their only function you deem they’re good for. They should not be trying to insert themselves into important events of your life such as birthdays, family get togethers, etc. They’re not even allowed to comfort you should a family/friend befall a tragic accident/illness that lands them in the hospital.

I’d like to analyze the last point for a minute.

My mother was watching Gilmore Girls recently, the episode in the final season where Richard is in the hospital after having a heart attack in the middle of a lecture he was teaching that Rory, his granddaughter, was sitting for.

While Richard had his wife running around hysterical trying to get his affairs in order in case he died, Lorelai pitching in and Rory as well with her boyfriend Logan it occurred to me: should something similar happen to one of my own family members, I don’t have someone to comfort me while I anxiously pray nothing happens to my family member.

That got me thinking about another thing: my wanting to care for a lady I’m romantically interested in always get rejected. What I mean is, if she’s sick and I offer to aid her she oftentimes will say no.

Now I shouldn’t mull over this last point but if a man is willing to care for you, and you’re looking for such a man and express romantic interest in him, why wouldn’t you allow him to care for you? He knows it could mean he’ll get sick too but his asking obviously means he doesn’t care because your well-being is important to him and he wants nothing but to see you get better, right? Yes.

While I’m on the topic I’d like to talk about my ex for a minute. She has an almost 4-year old daughter who is the cutest thing and my heart melted whenever she hugged me. She has multiple health issues that break my heart but what hurts even more, and I know it can’t be helped, is that I couldn’t sit at her mothers side (my ex, if you’re confused) while she awaited her to come out of surgery.

It couldn’t be helped because her doctor is in Staten Island which also happens to be where her father lives, so my presence would make a tense situation awkward. I understand and respect this. But if he wasn’t a factor and I offered to go, and I would have went, I know my ex wouldn’t want me there because her daughter is not mine so I needn’t worry.

Bottom line: with both sides rejecting my offers how am I supposed to feel like I’m dependable if I can’t display such behavior in situations like this?

Psychologists would say it goes back to the lack of attention from my mother. I’d like to digress but there’s validity to the theory.

My mother raised me right. I was surrounded by the right kind of women who showed me what a good woman looks like. My mother taught me to read which is where my love for writing came from, but when I ask her to read my short stories and the like she’d rather watch TV or do anything to promote happiness that I’m pursuing my dream.

It’s because of this that I find it hard to believe, despite my confidence in my writing, that it could attract a woman.

I wonder what Sigmund Freud would say to this…

Back to my ex again, the biggest compliment she used to give me was how satisfied with the sex she was even though, because of my own doing, the number of times we’ve slept together had been a small amount (this is an entire topic in itself that I may address one day).

She not only downloaded my book (which is free) but also paid for a hard copy. Why, I don’t know.

The amount of things she did for me (which is up in the air because she tends to exaggerate) doesn’t amount to the fact that I never felt motivated with her. I talked about going back to school multiple times but she never brought the topic up or asked questions about how I felt on it despite her constant nagging about my lack of emotion. But when work-related topics and the like on her end were brought up she made me feel like it was an obligation to show interest. How’s that fair?

She may have read all my short stories and bought my book but she never asked “when are you writing something new?” or, in regards to my blog novel, gave me her insight on its progression. What she did do was point out errors in ALL of my writing. Now I know I’m not perfect but I’m anal when it comes to my work so errors bug me to no end. But don’t only point that out and don’t only talk about the negatives. You’re supposed to be my girlfriend. Yea, that means you should be an unbiased critic. But the job of a critic is to put both the positive AND negatives to light. The positives were never brightened with her.

I’ve yet to meet a woman who not only looked forward to my work but bothered me for more. I wrote a short story for my ex where she was a main character; that wasn’t enough. I’ve said to not only her but in general that if I include you in a short story don’t take that lightly; it’s a sign I care VERY much because it means you’re on my mind constantly which translates to scenarios being imagined about you. I guess my lack of everything else, whether it be sex, emotion, or otherwise, overpowered this.

These issues also date back to the ex before my recent ex (see: Case of the Ex).

So, maybe I’m destined for the “side nigga” role because of all of these issues. I want to be a boyfriend, I just don’t know how to be a boyfriend because my efforts seem to be taken as something else, or appear unwanted.

This will not discourage me from finding someone who will be worth my efforts and appreciate them. I know what I want and won’t settle.

To my ex: if for some reason you’re still reading my blog or happen to see this post via twitter (if you still frequent my timeline) I want you to know something. Yea you did things for me even when I didn’t ask. Yea you wanted me to be more emotional for you. Yea the sex was adored and you wanted more. I get all of this. But I didn’t feel appreciated. Or motivated to be a better person. I felt obsolete. Like a side nigga (which is ironic because these were running jokes with us- I had clearly been merely half joking). It goes deeper than just not knowing how to be a boyfriend or my lack of emotion being displayed. I did love you and despite the negative things you’ve done that I shall omit from this post, I never quite felt like I was appreciated.

All the meals in the world or great sex or child (whether its his or not) can’t keep a man if he’s not completely invested in the relationship and after the things I’m choosing to omit were brought to light and laughed upon, I’m glad I never gave you my full attention. I’m glad I never put my best foot forward because I wasn’t taken seriously; my efforts or otherwise.

Maybe I am a side nigga. Then again, women don’t show much interest in me to begin with. So I may never truly know.

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4 thoughts on “Why I Feel like a Side Nigga

  1. I apologize for never making you feel appreciated. And I lol’d at our side nigga jokes but I never felt that way about you. And I won’t get into why I did certain things/didn’t do certain things, but I just wanted you to know that your writing has gotten much better, I’ve enjoyed catching up on your writings as it has been a long time since I stopped by. Here’s hoping that you get published someday. 🙂

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