I have this recurring fantasy where, because of a GQ cover appearance after landing on the NYTimes Best Sellers’ List 3 years in a row followed by my first indie movie introduced by Sundance, all of a sudden women find me attractive.
I don’t find myself attractive 75% of the time so perhaps this is manifested from my desire to increase this number (?). There isn’t a thing wrong with my self-confidence- I simply do not find myself attractive for the most part, but I do pursue women. And make out okay. Sometimes.
I find this silly because women that flock to men they’ve know for a long time (or for any amount of time, really) who suddenly gain a bit of popularity to which an attraction develops sicken me, so why would I want such attention from women like this or even fantasize about it happening?
This reminds me of something that occurred in the 8th grade. See, I was picked up by the cops for shoplifting at a local Rite Aid because I lied to the manager about my contact info so he had no choice but to call the police since I was being a little prick. Word got around school and the slut of my grade (or at least she really seemed like a slut) began giving me attention. She went as far as asking me to prom. I didn’t go, and my standing her up landed me on her shit list. Not that I cared.
I feel silly for even allowing such fantasies to play out without attempting to change the channel. I don’t like the reel my brain plays. Minus the success I see within the fantasy from my writing and movie, I can live without all the nonsense.
Speaking of fantasies I have another one that involves my writing. A woman I’m dating and I are breaking night since I woke her up from not being able to sleep because I decided to work on a novel. She is clad in nothing but her underwear and a plaid shirt of mine sitting next to me with her chin resting on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around me as I type away like a madman. Upon stopping, she remains staring at the screen going over the work with an unbiased opinion. I make necessary changes, and then the process continues until the sun comes up where we make breakfast together until climbing back into bed to sleep the day away.
This is silly, too. I can’t help but allow this particular reel play in my brain, however. I like it. This is one I’d like to see come true.