Multiverse- A Short Story

I’ve been thinking about the alternate me’s that are with the women I’ve genuinely wanted to date. Or if the ones I wanted to be strictly casual with is still sleeping with me while we look for other partners.

I’ve been wondering if the ones I wanted to be long-term with and I have been dating for 13 years. Best friends; why change what we have. The mother of my first child. The one I should have been breaking up with now so my thirties were spent on my second “great love.”

And then I thought, “what if men do this because they want to ‘try on’ what married life could be like.” Am I one of those guys, and that’s why nothing ever works out? Because it’s not supposed to. Not just for my outward appearance but perhaps I was one of the chosen sacrifices of the population that’s “alone.” Perhaps when I said this you immediately thought of some movie/show that depicts this. And that’s the visual representation that I’m attempting to manifest into words. The buildup of Lorelei and Luke, but you’re actual lovers.

Been thinking about the ones that cheated on me and I stayed like a “deer in headlights” accepts death. And the ones I cheated on in revenge but kept it a secret because the longevity of the secret is sweeter “petty” than throwing it in their face right away. Sauce, marinating in the back of the cabinet. Warm, smooth, tangy at the back of the throat. The sheer pettiness of it so savory. It’s a reveal at a family gathering as one of those blows they’ll never come back from. Because she killed you, and you wanted her dead too.

There’s a girl I met at the age of 19 who was 17. She told me she had had three successive miscarriages and at her current age still wanted to get married and have a baby, but get pregnant first. I wonder if the me who went through wth it has a son or two, or a combo of older daughter-young son or older son-younger daughter. Is he happy? Is she the 13-year relationship I mentioned above? Did he develop a substance problem; drinking like he said he never would because of his stepfather. Or marijuana to make life tolerable.

Perhaps this is what deja vu is; lives you’re living on another timeline finally catching up to you. Maybe that’s why, for some men, the feel of a woman changes. For others, it’s home. Maybe, on another timeline, she was home. How do you go back to a place you’ve never been?

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Drabble #103

My brother was an auxiliary cop in our neighborhood for about 8 years. The neighborhood is “safe” but has illegal dealings. The kind that could get you killed, especially if you’re someone affiliated with the cops. He sealed my fate in this neighborhood by damning me in the life of having to be a target retaliation. And I seriously think my father died IN those dealings, and I’m going to die for being associated with folks against who’s in those dealings. I.E. cops, and them thinking I am one. And even if I move, the target won’t. I’m safe nowhere. Im scared I’m going to leave a child behind because of this, causing a cycle in my bloodline. That a child has to be sacrificed so needlessly. Word around a neighborhood spreads video game fast once a mission is barely three seconds into being done and the entire galaxy knows about it. Wherever I go, that chatter follows. I’m dead, and yet, I don’t have the courage to “end it” before suffering the fate of my father. Because I want to be the one to beat this. Because I deserve this. To love. And be loved. And love a child who will deserve to be loved. I am better than my fate.

Mommy Dearest- A Short Story

Look this is gonna sound really stupid but I honestly feel like I’m responsible for my father’s death. Like I KNOW it’s impossible since I was in the womb. But if my father hadn’t been killed I wouldn’t have had to grow up with a mom that stopped working since 1985. She’s needed me for so long but it’s honestly a crutch because I’m the last of what my father could have given her. And she resents me for it. So she manipulates the situation by not telling me and, in turn, being forced to tell my older brother- whom she would just LOVE to tell all to- that she hates me even more for not letting her tell him that he’s essentially her favorite son. Because my mother was so in love with my father that she HATES that he had to be able to provide for me and lost his life doing so. Maybe because she WANTED him home with the kids, to be a FATHER, so now she hates me EVEN MORE because I stopped her from being a “career woman.” My mom- a big woman- wanted to be Rikki Lake. I took her away from Rikki Lake-esque shine….

….my mother really fucking hates me.

 

And do you wanna know the worst part? I will end up taking care of her at the end, still wishing my mother loved me.

I Don’t Wanna Wait- A Short Story

“Bro, it was never going to be Dawson and Joey. She knew, just from re-watching the pilot, I could tell she wanted to risk breaking the bond they had- the one Dawson knew he’d never break (how strong their friendship is and that it would withstand risking it). That they would always stay friends but never in the way of finally acknowledging the desire to risk it was present. No longer on the surface (for Joey) and not even touching the surface (for Dawson).

“She was meant to end up with Joey. They were always ‘hey big head’ing each other to the point of it being a natural flirt. Their bond was supposed to remain because this inevitability would find a way.

“Just like Dawson wasn’t meant o be with Jen. It would be an even split between the desire to always carry out the sexual tension while trying to hate one another for not wanting this to work, but end up in bed anyway.

And JOEY would never accept Jen because she swooped in and completely fucked with her version of their dynamic. Her pining for Dawson and wishing he pined over her the way he always will for Jen. While being the only one in his little insignificant existence (how she’d flame him but only half mean it) with Pacey who has an eye on her but not in that way completely yet.

“And DAWSON never being able to forgive Jen for having sex before they ‘met’ officially- becoming a permanent fixture in each other’s existences- because he felt like he always deserved to be her first. Because she’s the type who should want to give him that honor. He was always talking down to her like ‘wah wah you should be worshiping me because I’m better than those New York boys.’ And she used to smoke too; to him that’s ‘gah, filthy peasant.’

“Bro. Dawson is a FUCKBOI. Yo wtf?? How did I never see this before. Bro. He deadass played the ENTITLEMENT card. Mother fucking WHITE entitlement. FUCK HIM. IT’S ON SIGHT WHEN I SEE HIM. HE NOT SAFE.

“YO. And Dawson’s MOM threw herself on her husband because she was cheating and to make up for the guilt said ‘I forgot how to be a wife’ and FAKED being lusty with him. I’m sure her pussy got wet for him (he low key a good looking guy lol) so it wouldn’t be hard for her to drip. But put that aside, the wetness was fake. Like not even because she was even still attracted to him (let’s face it when you cheat you’re doing it because at that moment you’re not attracted to them in a certain way at that moment; the ‘weakness’ that keeps being used to justify it) none of this would be happening anyway.

“And PACEY was supposed to sleep with that MILF teacher. That was the sexual awakening he needed to prepare him for being a grown up for Joey. Because you can tell, underneath the surface, he wanted to grow up. But didn’t see the cost efficiency in putting the time in it. Peter Pan Syndrome.

“SPEAKING of the MILF, she was fucking with him like he wasn’t getting the box but she KNEW she was giving it to him anyway. She preyed on him, saw the Peter Pan Syndrome and wanted to help him down the line. BROOOOOO, she’s a black widow to young emotionally vulnerable dudes. She’s definitely done this before. Maybe when she hit 40. She abused her power as a teacher!

“It’s all right there. In the first 10 minutes of the plot. The show told you what it was gonna be- take it or leave it. The fancy words were just a smokescreen to keep you watching these slick talking middle of nowhere I’m better than you think hick town kids. And boy did it work.”

“Bro. It’s 3:19am…”

Drabble #102

I’m tired all the time. The only way I can sleep is by dreaming of you in those few moments when my brain finally allows me control of my thoughts. But I can’t sleep because I’m dreaming of you in those thoughts. I want to shut my brain up but I don’t want to stop thinking about you. I want to stop thinking about you because not having you makes me want to engage in self-destructive behavior. And I know it isn’t good because things will only get worse, but, goddamn it, I just wanna feel good for once. I haven’t felt good since I last lay with you, sleepily thanking you for inviting me into your home once again. I haven’t felt good since your fresh-out-of-the-dryer warmth you brought me has been out of my life. And I know why we’re not together- I didn’t do anything nor you did anything- but we could have made this work. Because we worked. I could feel it in that warmth that you loved me too. We can’t go back, but I wanna go back. Maybe this is one of those self-destructive behaviors I was talking about- going back, pining to go back. I’m not happy. This isn’t the only reason why. I just can’t put the other stuff into words. This just happens to be the forefront of the unhappiness. Things aren’t the way they used to be for me. I’m no longer in that situation. I’m comfortable, just not happy. I just wanna feel good again.

Build- A Short Story

Deny it we may, but everyone in one form or another has been conditioned/brainwashed by the consumption of media, more so if it began at an early age. Case in point, as a kid I used to consume media that generally might be targeted for girls- to ME, it was a way of having an understanding of them. In my teens I watched Sex & the City because, admittedly, of the word “sex.” But I “learned” stuff. Hell, I became aware of the “biological clock” because of the movie Look Who’s Talking and while that movie may not be geared towards women it was about a single mother, essentially. Still counts..
 
Anyway, I paid extra attention to how women interacted with men in shows/movies (no matter the color of the actors’ skin) and how some of the guys wanted to “build” while visualizing themselves with said girl long-term. Example: the way Cory Mathews did with Topanga (I’m not counting Steve Urkel or Roger in Sister, Sister because their pursuits were aggressive and annoying- especially Urkel’s even if he did get Laura [when he had Myra who I LOVED]. It stuck with a lot of us whether we realize it or not.
 
So, yea, when men have this notion of wanting to make it work by any means necessary rejected, it hurts- but we do let it go, despite popular belief. Because as we get into our 20’s and then 30’s we’re only wanted when we’ve become established (whatever that means) and women make it, very subtly known , that we are all of a sudden their equals- it angers us. As Kobe said “you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym.” How does a man’s status all of a sudden make him worthy, and how was he not when building whatever his empire is (and I’m not speaking *just* about a man in the arts- rapper, writer, painter, etc). We grew up wanting to build; move in silence (don’t bring up “stay low and build” as a meaning for ‘I wanna hide you’). We’ve already found our “worth” early while you’re still searching for it. We’re actually more than capable of achieving success WHILE in pursuit of a woman at the same time, while women choose one over the other AND THEN deem a man worthy. Most men know what they want to do in life- I knew at age 15 it would be something in the arts, and am still in hot pursuit. Most of the women men meet have menial jobs like them, but somehow theirs is better(?)
 
Take a look at the current dating (swipe) culture. Have any of you ever used a dating site/app? Women generally don’t have to do any pursuing while men have to do it all with no guarantee a message worth reading will be seen (yes, I know, women don’t owe men anything). In dating, women have been conditioned by movies/TV that men- admittedly, guiltily– will do just about anything for their attention. But a woman will make a move ONCE and if it’s rejected, never do it again. Ironically, at an early age. Yet men are the ones who have the capacity to “keep it moving.” Why? Because we want to build with someone, not come prepackaged for them. Men are not a bundle you can buy at a discount because you can now afford it- what happened to your “humble beginnings?” If women don’t owe men anything, and men have known their worth for a long time, why are men obligated to see yours by default while men have to work for you to see theirs?
 
Detours for women aside, like having a kid, the notion men have in wanting to build early is still prevalent; why do think you generally see them “on the grind”? Through work, the active pursuit in “bigger and better” in their careers WHILE maintaining said build is how men were raised- by media or, hell, even by the women in their lives (because men are generally raised by single mothers, aren’t they? So how else are these ideas being planted in their heads.) Why are men deemed unworthy for being exactly where you are- dead end job or not- but somehow you found the means to start a family with a man just like the one who wants to build, only with you missing from his equation?
 
He hit “upload” and waited for the misunderstanding of the post from women who will comment with the equivalent to a man’s “not all men!” argument; “you’re just not finding the right woman” and the like. He chuckled, the irony always was humorous to him; how women make the same arguments as men but somehow get away with it. They also almost always find a way to blame “the patriarchy” which is supposed to benefit men, not strike them down. It’s always a man’s fault, regardless of the situation.

Drabble #101

Tiny fingers close around frail cheekbone skin. Old age. A bag on your face, in your hand; ice in the bag. Another hand striking the other side of your face this time. Why can’t I just have a typical old age experience. Why does my dying skin still have to deal with exterior damage. What’s under it is already damaged; way ahead of the face.

Why couldn’t old age just leave my face alone, why couldn’t he just leave me in my old age?

You’re a proud Chinese woman, culturally expected not to talk about it despite so many of your friends having experience in this, personal or secondhand. “Just ignore it” but wanting so bad to talk about it lest you literally bite down so hard on your tongue in order to prevent it.